The Murder Mystery of the Bog Body Baddies

Are you gonna go suck Prince Charles nipple? Oh god, it's all hairy. Frankly, it's probably like just flopping around. Oh just it's so in britt What if his nipples just his face again? What if he has three and it's like in a weird location, Which one do you suck the third nipple? Oh? My god. Welcome to Scary Mystery Surprise, where we talk about scary things that surprised us around the Internet. I'm Edwin, I'm Michelle. So you guys may or may not know. I just took a three week long vacation to Ireland. I was gone for quite some time, but I've come back with a lot of weird little stories and little tidbits and little treasures of the macabre. So today I'm going to talk about something that is gruesome but ancient and confusing. Definitely be category as a murder mystery, and I've called it the murder Mystery of the Bog Baddies. Love it? Okay? Oh thank you. I guess it could be the murder Mystery of the Bog Body Batties. It could be that too. That's like really specific as well. Although my brother, I think this might be suspect, says he caught an ORB when he was taking a photo of those bog bodies. He's like, see see here's there's nothing here, and then there's something here. But I'll post that on the Instagram. So you know, you guys be the judge of whether my brother actually caught an orb. Sounds like you don't believe your own brother. These bronze age bodies, they're underglass a wrong angle. You're catching a light from the ceiling. I don't know. I find it suspect, but let the audience decide. Help us aside, help us decide if my brother actually caught up a spirit or a ceiling light. So anyway, we'll start today's show. Edwin, you're a farmer in England. Well, a pete cutter, which is kind of like a farmer. So do you know what pete is? No? What Edwin? It's the nineteen eighties and you're cutting feet in the Lindo moss bogs in England. So what does a pete bog? You say, what is a pete? What is a what is a pete? What is a bug? So a bog is created when a lake gets filled with plant material that's in a constant state of decay. So it's kind of like just a really filled in lake and then pete grows there and is used for fuel and composting. Nice okay, and so like a lot of like so Ireland and Scotland and England and a lot of like the northern countries in Europe have used pete for like fuel for a long time. They like go in, they cut it into like kind of bricks and they dry it and they use it to cook and heat your house with Ooh okay, yeah, I get a really strong like visual of that. Maybe it's a past life. Maybe you were you know, a pete farmer, a pete miller. I think it's actually called a pete miller. It's strange, but yeah, it's like this machine. They used to do it by hand, they go in and cut pieces of pete, and now they have a big machine. Bogs are wonderful places. They are also great places to sequester carbon in the this rapidly heating world. Bogs are a necessary thing. Anyway, you're in your peat bog as a pete bog miller, that's what you're doing. In the eighties, this is your calling, this is what you and this is what you woe. You know, your father was a Pete Miller. You're a Pete miller. Your grandfather was a great Pete miller. Anyway, you're Pete milling the field and or you're Pete milling the bog. Okay, what am I wearing by the way in this scenario. Mmm, Well, you definitely have like some high waterproof boots on because bogs are quite muddy and like potentially you could sink in a bog. So you have your mud boots. You have your mud boots on, probably a raincoat since it rains like every pretty much every day in these areas. As I learned while I was in Ireland, it will be sunny, it will rain, it will all of a sudden be a gale, all of a sudden, it will be sunny again. So it's all of those and it'll be superhumid all of a sudden, all of those things, and then there'll be a rainbow. So anyway, that's the weather you're in, and it's all oscillating really quickly. So you're using your tool in the bog to harvest pete, and then all of a sudden your tool hits something in the spongy ground. You look, what is it? A dinosa egg? You think? Duh, No, you fool, It's a skull. Of course you being a law abiding citizen. The police are called, and it just so happens nearby where the skull was found, there is someone who is a person of interest. The police are pretty sure your neighbor, Peter rain Bart, had done something horrible to his wife, but they couldn't do anything about it without a body. Now it seemed they had a skull thanks to your Pete farming. You're welcome, but that sucks. Confronted with the remains, rain and Bart confessed to killing and dismembering his wife, then scattering what was left of her in the nearby bogs. Why why do people do that? I don't know. I don't know. But that's a true story. True. What, Yeah, that's true, Michelle, that you were making this up because the name is so like what? Oh? Okay, No, this is true. And it was only at his trial scientists revealed that the skull they had found that they thought was his wife actually dated back to Roman era Britain. So he confessed. He confessed, But then it turns out there wasn't a body, but thanks to his confession, he got a life sentence. See this is why you don't say anything uh huh, or just keep going with it and say that your wife lives back then and just say that you're a weirdo. That yeah, like that was my wife. I married a time traveler. There you go and just claim psychological issues or whatever and just stay home. I married time travelers. I'm really into time travelers. What could I say? I love Britain, pre Roman era Britain. Did they ever find the wife though? I don't think so. Actually, but a year later, you're back working in the bog again. You unearthed what initially you thought was the remains of the missing woman, but once again, it turns out surprised. It's another ancient bog body, and that one became known as as Lindeau Man, which is like one of the oldest best preserved bodies anybody's found. Wow. Okay, so this guy turned anthropologists or no, what do you call those people that find bones and mummies and stuff? Indiana jonesy Oh, yeah, an archaeologist and I became an archaeologist. Dude, you're right, you were right, you were right. It was an archaeologist. Did I say anthropologist? He did? But also that's like the show bones because she's a uh huh, she's an anthropologist, I think, is she Michelle? I don't know anything that's fair. Is a school system, That's what I believe. I get it. I also was a victim of the school system as well. Like right now, when you said about all those countries in the northern part of Europe or whatever you said, I had no idea what countries you were talking about. I just went with it. Specifically, bog bodies are found in Ireland, England, Scotland, the Netherlands, Germany, Sweden, and I think Norway, like all in that area kind of that weather. So I was just in Ireland and the bog bodies are fascinating. I mean, and there's a free exhibit at the Irish Museum, so if you're ever in Dublin, you just can pop in there and see these. So who and why were people in the Bronze Age putting dead human bodies in bogs? I was just gonna ask that, Yeah, were they murdered? Was it sacrifice? The truth about bog bodies is pretty shocking. What is a bog body? So the bodies have commonly been found in northern European countries, although some have actually been found in Florida, which I thought was just a random fact. That's like sidebar like as like Native Americans had put bodies in bogs, But because those bogs have a composition that's less acidic, so they have less debris in it and there's more oxygen, they aren't as well preserved, so they usually are just skin and bones that are left, which is not quite as phenomenal as the European The fact that these European bog bodies are from the Iron Age and they're mistaken for modern murder victims, well, yeah, that must be really well preserved. It really speaks to like how this like what is going on. But bog bodies are no accident. They are usually quite gruesome, and of course it's possible that some simply just happen to die in the right place at the right time to be preserved, of course, like dinosaurs or whatever. But most bodies were put there on purpose, tied up and staked in place. Okay, I was not expecting that. Yeah, and why on earth would you do that? It's a kidnappers through the criminals well, that's a theory. Actually, that is a theory, but it's speculated that bogs aren't just useless patches of very wet land. For thousands of years, they've been invaluable sources of turf, which is like a turf house fuel that's used as fuel in many countries, and ancient people would also use it as building material. That alone made it important to a community survival, and it was a bit more than that too. In some areas, bogs were seen as mysterious places where the veil between the human and divine were thin. Scores of offerings have been recovered from bogs, including things like jewelry, pottery, tools, and remains of sacrificed animals. Bogs were long thought by some to be the home of ghostly creatures seen dancing across open expanses of land chills, which I think if you've seen the movie Princess Bride, which you see like the fire, the fire swamp or whatever. So those things that stuff dancing across the lights that people would see now today we know are caused by bursts of gas. But it's surreal enough that it's easy to see why agent people thought that bogs were like magical places. Bogs are cool. Man bogs are cool. Maybe tourism twenty twenty four. Bogs it's their year. Yeah, it sounds like I mean back then it's to me it sounds more like a just the one of those areas where this magic happens when you're like an enchanted forest or like a I mean, it would make sense that it would be a sacred area, like it would people be like, oh, this is really sacred. Yeah, So okay, So bog bodies some are rat ordinary in their nearly lifelike appearance, like the body named the Old krogan Man, who I like to call crop Top because he's just Michelle sent me these pictures of guys like and when she said that, I was like, you know the exact what I'm tired about. I'm losing it. I said, they look like sling gems. And then you're like, this is a crop top one. So my favorite who I saw in person. His official name is Old Crogan Man, but I call him crop Top. He was found in Ireland in two thousand and three, not far from a site linked to the crowning of ancient kings, and that's important. Archaeologists suggest he was likely a king himself. Ooh, so he was exquisitely preserved, but only from his neck to his waist. But he still has his arms, and he has very well manicured fingernails, indicating he'd never done any manual labor. You see the nails, You could see like the I don't know, like the little half moon on the nails too, Like it's really fascinating. He lived sometime between three hundred and sixty two and one hundred and seventy five BC. He stood around six feet six and a half feet tall. He was discovered with an amulet depicting the sun, a symbol of kingship. Also, he has another symbol of kingship removed before or after his death, because his nipples were cut off, and it was a thing where at that time, in order to show loyalty to the king, you'd have to go suck his nipple. So what are you making this up? No? I literally saw Dosit talking about it. She was giving a dour She was like, his nipples have been cut off because it was pretty typical for kings to out you had to suck the king's nipple in order to show loyalty to the king. Look I don't know. That wasn't a line back then. I don't know why that made sense. Just been pulling your leg, Michelle, I don't know. She was definitely walking around telling people that she definitely worked there. She said it with a straight face. Oh yeah, it was definitely. She was a real docent giving a tour. So but anyway, this guy had his nipples cut off. I don't want to be disrespectful to the gig, especially King Crop Top. I know King Crop Top. But also like maybe this is why men have nipples, is because they had to get them sucked in order to be kings. Because that is an age old question. Why do men have nipples? Here? For example, they have these little statues with like an inca guy with like a huge penis, as in like his size, I guess his eight. Yeah, if you've seen them, right, like they're little things are just big old thing just sticking out. I'm like, and that's normal, Like you see little kids like oh look, and they just put it back down, and I'm like, why do they do that? I mean, each place has its own thing, right, I mean they don't like suck nipples for king I mean, like, no one's sucking King Charles's nipple. You know what I mean? You have to like um, button your shirt. God is weird inbread body anyway, King crop Top, he also died, So he died badly. Let's be honest. He died pretty badly by not just having his nipples removed. He had holes bored into his arms and was restrained with steaks. Then he was strangled, stabbed, and drowned. And they can tell that all because his organs and like, his body is so well preserved that they can tell. It's fascinating. Do you still have his stomach and stuff? Like? I think so. I think they were able to figure out what he had eaten at that point. I know with the other ones they've had, and they think, according to experts, because it was three methods strangled, stabbed, and drowned, they think it was a reference to the three there's like three aspects of the Goddess. The sacrifice was dedicated to, so fertility, war, sovereignty. Also if things were going bad for a community, it was thought that the king would often sacrifice himself in order to save his people. So that's like what bronze age is like, Wow, so noble, it's so noble right, Like, why can't our king sacrifice our president. Our president's cut off his own nipples and sacrifice himself jumping into a bog. The economy's failing. That's what I want all of our world leaders to Do's cut their nipples off and jump into bogs. Like, oh no, we just we have to go to war. We don't want that for our people. Bog go down to Florida. Yeah, I know, we do have bogs in Florida, so everyone could do it. We have no excuse why we have no excuse why we can't do it. Anyway, There's another one that I saw in person that was interesting, and I don't know if I sent you this one, but it was like he has no arms, he's like a torso, but he has a head. He has a head of red hair. I think you showed me that. Yeah. Yeah, So that one's name is the Klona Caveman, Clony Caveman, clon Y cav An. So is it this one? Yeah, that one, that's the one we're talking about. It's got kind of a conean pompadour going on. Yeah, pretty cool. I didn't know that was hair until you pointed out. Just now. I thought that was like a hat. No, that's hair, and it's like that's the most famous thing about him because he has product in his hair. What he has like like a hair palmade in it that is like from Spain and or France. It was like imported. It's like pine resin and vegetable oil. Wow, isn't that cool. It's such like a random thing. And also he's missing his bottom half, possibly due to a peat cutting machine. Like they think he was probably damaged when they were digging him up on accident. Oh okay, like after he was did they ever find his legs? I don't think so. But also he's probably not actually a redhead because the bog chemical turns everyone's hair red, so all the bog bodies have red hair. Is that why Irish people fog? No? I don't think I think that's I don't think so. But maybe maybe it's because of bog maybe something in the water maybe, but anyway, so I'll just call him Conan. So Conan with the hair with the pompadoor is so well preserved they can tell what killed him, and it looks like it was an axe to his skull and face because there's like it's it's been broken open by a blow. They can tell at the top. I can kind of see it where the hairline starts. Yeah, so you can see the wound there, and it's a flap of skin, which is typical of a lacerated wound, and it's like two lacerated wounds joined together. I also see the hole in between his eyes or something like that. Yeah, I mean, nobody died well in a bog. When you first started talking about these, I thought, like, you know, they would go in and maybe by accident and they just drown like quicksand and then that's it. Yeah, you think of like I think of the dinosaur stepping in tar or something like that, you know, like that casual thing. But no, I mean, like, of course there's there might be like a fluke out there where it's like, oh, someone just fell in, But it really seems like all the ones specifically from the Iron Age or all this. There is like another example of girl that was found in like this from the sixteen hundreds or something like that, and she's just wrapped in a shawl and she's They just speculate that they're murder victims. People from the Iron Age. You're clearly been killed where they killed willingly or against their will, we don't know, but anyone else is usually a murder victim. Geez. But now I'll talk about the most famous bog body, which I didn't see, which is not on display in Ireland because it's from the Netherlands, but it's pretty iconic. And I remember specifically seeing talland Man in a scholastic Do you remember called those scholastic magazines where they I remember specifically seeing one with toland Man in it, and it was like they had Utsi and they had toland Man, and I got Utzi and toland Man confused for a long time. But Utzie doesn't really have like facial features anymore so, but anyway, Tolan Man, and then I wrote I remember seeing Tolan Man in a scholastic magazine in sixth grade and thinking he had the most kissable lips. I love that magazine. But I used to see it too at the dentist. I know, yeah, that's cool stuff. Yeah. Anyway, toland Man lived in the fifth century BC and during that period in Scandinavia in the pre Roman iron Age, and he was found in nineteen fifty preserved as a bog body in Denmark, and his facial features were so well preserved. He was mistaken for a recent murder victim. And honestly, if you pull up, I'll post a photo of him. But if you pull up a photo of him right now, he's got a face. How do you spell it? It's t l l u n D toland toland u n d. Oh. Wow, Okay, they got a blurred by safe search and wonder. Wow what really I mean? It is just ahead. Oh wow, this is like a real like just a person like sleeping. Yeah, he looks like he's peacefully sleeping. That's nice. Well he was hanged. Oh I could see the rope. Yeah, they left the rope on him. That's a nice rope though it's made from animal like leather, so it's a nice rope. Wow. But yes. His cause of death was determined to be hanging. Scholars believe the man was a human sacrifice rather than an executed criminal because of the arranged position of his body. His eyes were closed and his mouth was closed and he was in the fetal position. He wore a pointed skin cap with sheepskin and wool, a smooth hide belt on his waist. Additionally, a noose made of plated animal hide, was drawn around to his neck and trailed down his back. Other than that, the body was naked. His hair was cropped so short as to be hidden under his cap. There was short stubble on his chin and upper lip, which you can see in the photos, suggesting he was normally clean shaven, but had not shaven the day of his death. The Toland Man was approximately forty years old. His last meal consisted of porridge with barley, flex wild weed seed and some fish. Oh wow. And examinations and X rays showed that his heart, lungs, and liver were well preserved and healthy. So he was strangled like he was not. There was nothing else wrong with him, and he was about five to three relatively shortened stature, although it is likely that his body trunk in the bog, and both feet and the right thumb were so well preserved by the peat they were actually able to make a fingerprint from his thumb and it's the oldest fingerprint on record in by the Danish police. And then I also wrote thumbprint of one of the oldest thumbprints but also the most kissable lips. Well, if they clone him, did you get to see the recreation. This is your boyfriend. Oh, look at him. Look at him. There's my boyfriend right there. Kissable lips, kissable lips. Have they ever clone him? Call us up? Yeah, if they ever clone him, that's my guy right there. Sorry, I just saw another angle of his face. It looks like when you wake up, like when you wake up after like like you're just your face is just swooshing the fillow. Poor guy. Yeah, I feel bad for him, but that's that's cool that it's been preserved, and like you know what he ate, Like, that's a really healthy meal, isn't that? But isn't that like that's what you got from that? I mean, if they were to look us up now, it's just like, yeah, he had some French fries and some nuggets and then some plastic poppers. Yeah, Whole foods, Whole foods, whole foods alipenio poppers. Got if those fossilized in my guts, that's something that is something to be so confused and like what is this type of delicacy all the available to the whole foods crowd, which is the upper middle class, but still like the worst trash food. It's just for some reason they think it's better for them, but it's still just the same vegetable in dairy, right delicacy. I like that, Like he had a real seriously though, that's a healthy meal, like fish's healthy whatever, that elst of seeds and all that, like porridge or whatever. Yeah, he did, he did well. I mean he was probably like royalty or a king of some sort. That is the theory is that they were sacrificed, kingly sacrificed. And then the other theory is they committed brutal crimes and this was their punishment. But it seems a little one or the other, like what yeah, like it's just like I don't know, it seems a little it doesn't. This is far too much effort to just do for criminal Yeah, like criminals, they don't get like I'm pretty sure they would not be shaving clean and put in the fetal position. But you know, and they found a mummy was it in the andes was it? It was Peruvian? But like it was she was very well preserved. And to think that she was a sacrifice too, because she wasn't. Again she was wearing clothes, but like she was in the fetal position and very well preserved, and I think it was because of the sacrifice thing, So it would make sense it might just be like a sacrifice or a king or royalty or somebody you know, where you want them to stay like that forever. And then another theory is that if it's a sacrifice, it's also like every single one that they've found has like you know, like they've found one with dwarfism, they've found one with scoliosis. Prop top is six feet tall. That's really unusual for that time. How do you know that without his legs? Michelle like, is it from arm? Like arms? They must have figured it out. I don't know how they figured it out, but they're like he's over six feet tall, like that's it. Like that everyone's saying that even though he has no legs and no head. Also it seems like his head was cut off too, they'd cut his head off as well. But yeah, and then our tolin' man is like five to three, and so it's like there's you know, were they sacrificing people that were different? Like I apparently they've found bog bodies with like six fingers on each hand, so like people that were a little bit different where they sacrifice to the gods. We don't know, so that's a theory. Wow, the bodies are so well preserved that we generally know how they died. You know, the theory that these were sacrificed kingly sacrifice, or they had committed brutal crimes, or they could have just committed the crime of being different. Too tall to short, dwarfism, scoliosis, and extra finger are all things that people have found on bog bodies. It's interesting that we'll generally know the how thanks to the preservation from the bogs. You know, we know the cause, but we'll only ever be able to guess the why. Man, that's beautiful. So it could be like the victims of they could have just been bullied and like haha, you're sure we're going to sacrifice you yeah, or like you know, they say they try to keep a perfect society. It's like, oh, you don't have red hair, sacrifice yeah, Or I don't know, you're too tall, Yeah, you're too tall, even though you're the king. We'll see, we'll get rid of you. It doesn't matter, no exceptions. Give me those nipples. I think that's a perfect note to end on. Were you sure to rate and subscribe. Leave us little notes. We love little notes. Yeah, please please reviews, we love it all. Yeah, and they help with our rankings and we're trying to beat some of our competition, which if you love us, leave a little rated, leave a little love, leave a little love. We want stars and they're free, so just drop them. It was five, yep, just five please, just five please, yeah, just five, that's all we want. Yeah. Please. But anyway, if you've got a story and you want to write in and tell us about it, we love hearing about it. People gm me a lot of stories all the time, which is great. Yeah soul. By the way, you guys, here's another surprise to secary mystery surprise. Michelle is launching a very cool show and tell him tell him Michelle tell them. Well, it's called tell me a ghost Story. But I need your help because I need people to tell me a ghost story by calling into my ghost story hotline, which is one US the US code one seven O one four eight four two six six six oom. Tell us a ghost story. I'm gonna be telling one on there. Oh yeah, be part of it, you guys, be part of the initial the very first this is I'm probably going to get in if your story is good. But yeah, call in. It's just a voicemail one seven o one four eight four two six six six so cool. So yeah, you can find that podcast by searching for it, right, so if you just follow now, like, look for tell Me a Ghost Story by Newman Media. Cool. All right, yeah, head over there, head over there, so subscribe, get ready. I think the show will come out at the end of August. Yeah, it would be some of the first you, guys, this is the most exciting times I think for a podcast, the very very first Like I think so too. It's so exciting. It's always so fun. But yeah, guys, help me out. Let's go. Anyway, what are we going to talk about next week? Edwin? I don't know. I think it'll be a surprise. Yeah, bye, guys,